The Antagonist
Drunk and cunning, the Antagonist is the most insidious of this list. She has to pee and nothing and nobody is going to stop her, especially not you. This devious diva will pretend to be drunker than she is, parading as an ally to convince you to let her go “just real quick please I’m begging you” before you. Do not be fooled. Send her to the back of the line as she deserves.
The Ally
The antithesis to the Antagonist, the Ally is your long lost soul sister brought to you by the cosmic forces of alcohol. You guys are just, like, sooooo alike! The Ally will join forces with you to defend and protect yourselves from potential Antagonists. Plus you get a free invite into the bathroom with her and her friends if she’s ahead of you! Win-win.
The Needs-to-go-Home
She seems to be barely alive, breathing heavily and slowly, clearly trying to act natural and failing. As soon as the line starts to move, her incapability of standing on two legs becomes alarmingly obvious. The Needs-to-go-Home will lean into your back to steady herself, mumbling “sorry” into your hair. You may have to cut your losses and let her go in first to avoid getting vomit on your new heels.
The Zookeeper
At first, the Zookeeper seems a lone wolf. She commands respect standing solitarily and patiently in line, unfazed by the chaos around her. But soft! What light through yonder barroom breaks? It is the east, and suddenly every one of her friends has to go to the bathroom too. With her gracious sweeping arm, the Zookeeper breaks your heart and crushes your bladder.
The Boy
The boy? Oh yes, the boy. While all the ladies are blinded by their full bladders, the Boy’s eyes are wide open and what he sees is opportunity. This no-swag lowlife has been trying to talk to ladies all night, but they just seem to keep flitting away. Luckily for him there is a place where he can be sure the girls won’t leave him: the line for the bathroom. This guy lurks around the bathroom door, trying to make a meaningful connection that will withstand the test of recognition after she has come and gone from the bathroom. Best to give this one the cold shoulder… or point him in the direction of the Zookeeper.
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